Another Doctor Appointment

 I'm scared.

I don't want to go, but I know that I have to.

5 years ago I was diagnosed with HPV.

I don't know where it came from. I was in a monogomous relationship (or os I thought).

Then they discovered that I had dysplasia. You know the bad cells that could turn into cervical cancer? After a few more pap smears all of a sudden all of it suddenly disappeared. They bad cells the HPV, all of it!

Well how the hell does that happen?

That was five years ago.

Now I am here, in this moment having horrible pain, on top of all of the other pain I am going through. The pelvic stuff isn't like my back pain or migraines though. This could be bad.

I am scared.

I have a tendancy to kind of over react, especially when I am alone.

Well, here I am all alone.

And this pain, and the other stuff down there...

Makes me think what if?

What if it's bad enough that we can't have another baby.

I don't want Blayze to grow up without a brother or sister.

I don't want to have to put Tommy (my husband) through all the suffering of having to go through more taking care of me.

Then I think, well we can always adopt.

And if it is the big C, maybe thats why I am always in so much pain and always tired.

There is a huge upside and a really big slide going straight down to the down side.

At 3:45 I will go into the OB/GYNs office kick my heels into those stirrups, yell YEEHAW!

Hold on for dear life as she sticks those damn tools inside me takes samples with what will feel like razor blades.

I will pray to my Father above that everything is ok, and then come back here and vent to my dear blog girlfriends a little bit more!

I guess this is just one of those post on my journey that shows that Life Ain't Always Beautiful.

Maybe next time I will have one that makes me feel happy!

Elizabeth